WAHALA CHRONICLES;airport drama

Here's the scenario,

I woke up at about 5am that morning .My flight from Lagos to Port Harcourt was scheduled for 7:20am.

I knew there was a chance of meeting some form of inhumane traffic on lekki expressway.
I was coming from lekki1 by the way.

And As every Lagosian knows,finding "zero traffic"on Lekki  is as rare as finding sensible dialogue in an old Kunfu movie.

The Cab guy who drove me to the airport  was a smallish cross/bulgy-eyed-man named Kunle.

The guy seemed to have a deathwish.
I mean,he drove like he'd resolved a long time ago to die in a ghastly road accident on the expressway,whilst singing his favorite gospel tune.

He sped and weaved past cars at speeds I considered......unholy.All through singing "Jesus na you biko,Oga kpatta kpatta.....!"



He had all  the zeal and enthusiasm of an evangelist at a crusade.And trust me,the speed at which he was driving was enough to make anyone religious.

When we arrived  MM2,I was grateful to be Alive.



I could barely feel my legs and my heart was still racing.Somewhere during the trip,Kunle had switched to another song
 "...marsh-am, marsh-am.Satan don fall for gutter.Marsh-am,marsh-am....!!!"

I managed to step out of the vehicle,grabbed my bag from the trunk and made my way to Checkin.

At Checkin, the lady at the counter said a Suggestive "hello"  and smiled at me.

"Off to Port Harcourt?" she asked staring into her computer screen.
I wasn't in the mood to be pleasant or mildly flirtatious.

Infact,I was half-tempted to lean forward and say;
"No, I'm not.What you can CLEARLY see on my ticket is just an illusion.I am actually a Fu-Fu smuggler on my way to Gabon"

But she had a nice smile,so instead I said,
"Yes I am!"

I had a sore throat,and my voice sounded alien to me.
"Business or ........Pleasure?" she inquired   (she pronounced the last word slowly.)With a steady flirtatious gaze.
How's that for "Customer Service?" I thought

By her name tag she was a "TONIA", But her accent made her sound more like an "NKEM"(or at least an "NGOZI').

"Both" I said with a smile as she handed me my boarding pass.She
Let her gaze linger on me for a while then casually looked away.

After the boarding call I was scanned for Ebola,searched  for weapons and mildly fondled by an Airline security official with a name Tag that said "Tony".
To be honest I had a slightly disturbing feeling that "Tony" enjoyed "searching" me.Because the idiot just kept on smiling while he took his time Patting me down.

Anyway, I finally got to my seat inside the plane and settled in as other passengers boarded.I still hate flying by the way.
Usually,before a flight I run through as many divine protection prayer points as I can manage(helps keep me calm) and besides,the airline had at least one crash in its history).

I was halfway through "the lord is my Shepard" when,,,,
"Attention Please,"came the voice over the address system.
"Mr Krukrubo,please kindly report to the security Post"

I froze.

I didn't like the sound of my surname sharing the same sentence with "Security Post".

I got up and strolled down the Aisle.The two female  flight attendants at the door shot me a series of funny looks which I felt was just rude.
What the hell was going on?I thought.

I exited the plane to meet the pimple infested face of a stocky man wearing the colors of the airline.

Mr Pimples had the same funny look on his face when he saw me."Do you have any luggage?"he asked?trying to seem as polite as possible.

"Yes", I said cautiously .I still didn't know what this was all about.
Mr Pimples frowned at me.
"You're not supposed to be on this flight"he said.
I thought it was funny how the pimples on his face seemed to dance around  with each  expression change.

But even that spectacular Acne-Display didn't stop me from asking,
"What do you mean I'm not supposed to be on this flight?"
"Oga...," He Said,"
....we made a mistake,your flight is tommorrow, not today.The girl at the counter should've told you."

I just stood there.All this was Hebrew to me.

"What does that mean??" I demanded. The anger was rising inside me as we  walked  away from the plane towards the security post.

At the security post we met with a tall extremely dark skinned man.The Man's  Face reminded me of a whisker-less Cat-fish I'd seen once at a Point-and-kill joint in Port Harcourt.

Mr Cat-fish eyed Mr Pimples like he were some rare form of algae he'd just discovered.
"Where's his luggage?" Mr Cat-Fish demanded.
"Em....it's on its way,Sir " Mr Pimples fumbled.
Now they were talking about me as if I wasn't there
I'd had it at that point!

"Stop!!!" I ordered.The sore throat gave my voice a "boom" effect.Which I thought was cool(Very Mufasa-like)

They both stopped and stared at me.
"Are you people mad???"I spat.
"What exactly is going on and why am I not on my flight to Port Harcourt??"

Mr Cat-fish turned towards me and spoke

"Mr Krukrubo, there has been a mistake with your ticket.You won't fly today,we apologise for the inconvenience. As a securty precaution you will have to wait  here till the plane reaches Port harcourt"

Mr Cat-fish spoke to me like he were reading off a local display menu at a buka.
I knew I didn't like him.
"Because....,"Mr Cat-fish went on
".... You had boarded and de-boarded before take off,you're a security risk"he said casually.

I think my eyes nearly fell out of their sockets.

"Did you just call me a 'security risk'?" I couldn't believe my ears. In my opinion that term was usually reserved for terrorists...and generally "bad people" you hear about on the TV series 24.

In the background I could hear the plane taking off.

If the word "Furious" had a picture illustration in the dictionary,my face was it.

"So is it my fault that you people can't do your job or that your employees can't use a f@#king computer????"I was shouting now.



People nearby were throwing curious glances in our direction.
I didn't care.
I'd woken up early that morning,been driven to the airport by a suicidal-gospel-singing-madman,reached the air port(in record time I might add),checkedin,boarded the flight only to be told that I wasn't flying.Plus,I now had a new designation for 2015.... "security risk".
What rubbish????


Long story short.I had to fly with another airline that day(which cost Me extra).Besides,i didnt want to spend another night In Lagos.

If these airlines in Nigeria don't know what they're doing then they shouldn't be allowed to operate.
Next time you fly,please choose an airline with a good safety/competence record.

The only reason why I haven't mentioned the name of the airline is because the officials;Tonia,Mr Pimples,and Mr Catfish begged me not to,for fear of losing their Jobs.

They were just fortunate I wasn't late for an important engagement in Port Harcourt,and also that I could afford to buy another ticket.

If not eh.....???




Life is a choice my friend
So choose wisely
Enough said







         


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