WAHALA CHRONICLES.night robbery

Here's the scenario,


So there We were, standing outside my house, gisting away.
Now I can't recall what time of the year it was. Whether it was closer to December or  June. But I do recall that the night was  chilly and slightly windy. The images,smells and sounds of a bustling "club-street" were all around us.
Car horns BLARING, angry drivers yelling at each other, scantily clad Prostitutes ,Scantily clad  girls(that could pass for prostitutes),

whiffs of cigarette smoke in the air, Mobile Suya and Shawama Sellers. The occasional "couple" going by and of course who could forget the general "club-goers"
The NIGHT CLUB nearby (which in my opinion at the time, was a just a large dancing restaurant that played a lot of loud rock music) was the cause of all the mayhem. .

It was actually no more than three gates from where we stood on that  LOUD Friday night.


Now when I said "We" I meant my cousin Kelly,who when you think about it, is actually my uncle.Long story! Something to do with his father or grandfather and my mum that I never really got around to figuring out. Anyway, 'We" also included Kelly's girlfriend at the time Hannah a tall slender slightly bow-legged Girl from Bayelsa.I'll say one thing about Hannah....she is HAWT!!When you see her, you think of  a large neon Billboard on the side of the road that reads; "STOP HERE FOR GOOD SEX!" And finally, there was yours truly..
Anyway,we were outside the house celebrating Kelly's New car. It was a Honda .Don't ask me the make!!!!

"So where are we going nau? Talk!" I said a little impatient.I mean this wasn't rocket science I thought. If we were going to "wash the car'', we should get on it ASAP.(by the way, this was during my drinking days when my bloodstream felt deficient without a day of alcohol.......that was a long time ago).
So at the time I couldn't get  all the "deliberations". Beer-drinking is beer-drinking.I remember thinking to myself.
"Relax Opus,we'll think of something" he said as he put his arm around Hannah
"You and ginger eh?" Hannah said to me with a playful punch.
We were just three young people  outside on a chilly evening.

In hindsight,I should've paid more attention to the road, in hindsight,I should've been more aware of my surroundings


Seconds before the robbery, I really can't recall what we were talking about . This is what I do remember,

Two smallish (and I mean smallish) boys approached us.One of them wore a large white hooded t-shirt and the other looked extremely emaciated in a black t-shirt that had the words "BADT-GUY'' written in front.
To be honest I thought they were about to ask us for money(or at the very least directions)they didn't look like they belonged in the neighbourhood.

Well,Mr BADT-Guy brought out a tiny looking pistol (I call all tiny guns 'pistols')
He pointed the Pistol at us(well actually at me)

"Bros,make una no shaat!"he said. Even his voice sounded hungry. Now this guy was REALLY pointing the weapon at me.

The three of us had our backs to the bonnet of Kelly's New car when our would-be Somalia-Refugee-like Robbers  approached us.
"Wetin?"I heard kelly's voice say .Kelly as a rule is a badass. I mean this is the sort of guy that wouldn't flinch when faced with a guy with a gun,  especially one as malnourished as Mr Badt guy.

To be honest I felt like laughing when they approached us, they seemed so comical in their oversized clothes.The gun  in Mr Badt-Guy's hand looked like it had been handcrafted by a Semi-blind frustrated Gun maker with Parkinson's Disease.
'Oh boy!''' Kelly began,
"If you no carry dis ya toy commot from here eh? We go carry cane flog una two,'' Kelly said with a small aggressive  step towards the boys. The Crime duo stared at each  other in confusion as if hearing Pidgin English for the first time.
Even Hannah, seemed amused by the sight of the boys.
All around us, were the sounds of a typical Friday night in GRA. For all intents and purposes Mr Big Shirt and Mr Badt-Guy could've been  sharing tracks for a crusade programme for all anyone cared.

I actually felt sorry for the two boys standing in front of us with a weapon that seemed about as threatening as an unsharpened Pencil.

Then the unthinkable happened.


From behind me,came aloud booming voice
''ABI NA DIS BIG BROS DEY SHAKE????"
Then I heard  it.....

I heard it a fraction of a second before I felt the cold Kiss of the Nuzzle at the back of my neck.
It was the unmistakable sound of a Twelve Gauge Shot gun, AKA "Pump Action". It makes a distinct sound when its cocked, a loud  shuffling sound, like the Slither of a Metallic Serpent(if such a snake ever existed).
Okay, go ahead ask!
"Hian!Opus Nawa o!Aje like you, you don carry gun before?How you take no say Na pump Action?

Simple!, I'm Ijaw and more importantly, I attended a University in Rivers State that as of  2005(when I graduated) was referred to as ''WAR-COLLEGE".That qualifies me to know what a Twelve Gauge sounds like. ENOUGH SAID.

I didn't need a degree in "Gunology" or a medical degree to know the consequences of a Pump Action going off at that range.Lets just say I wouldn't have a head.

"Bros no shaking no shaking" .That's all I could say as I slowly raised my hands. In the famous gesture of surrender the situation called for. From the corner of my eye I could see Hannah and Kelly doing the same, thats when the rest of the robbers showed up. I  could barely make out their faces but  their guns and intentions were clear; ROBB ...AND KILL IF NECCESSARY!I'm not sure how many they were but I'd say about 6 or so(not counting the ones in the car parked across the street)
They made us sit on the ground while Mr Badt-Guy and Mr Big-Shirt searched us.

Funny thing was the street was actually still busy. People were walking by like nothing was happening and there were enough street lights to start a veeeeeery large Christmas tree.
The Club was still playing their unusually loud rock music.
I could just make out the conversation of a guy and a girl not too far off from where they were robbing us
"Bros nawa oh! you sef add sumtin for me nau, I no fit do short-time for N3,500'' the girl was saying.

"Please nau" the guy responded. Even in my terrified state I could tell the guy was desperate.

" Chineke!! iz like dem dey rob dose people. Chei!" I heard the girl  exclaim as
Mr Badt guy searched me.
 He had a triumphant look on his face as he brought out my phone and unstrapped my watch. All through, I could feel the steel Nuzzle at the back of my neck as Mr Booming voice kept on saying "BROS NO SHAKE OH!"

I really couldn't believe this was happening not more than ten feet from my house.
The robbers took their time, searching the three of us and searching the car.
We must have been on the ground for about twenty-minutes.
All through, the petrified Hannah was going, "oh Jesus, oh Jesus, oh Jesus!!"
''SHARRAP YA MATT!!!''
Kelly just sat there,. Defeated as they made away with our property.

Long story short, they took all our phones, money, Watches(Mr Badt Guy even took all Hannah's jewellery) and finally, took Kelly's car. The car we didn't get the opportunity to "wash".
After they drove off,  several of the neighbourhood's so called security men came out of their hiding places like Cockroaches in  the kitchen when the lights go out.

I simply ignored them.

Moral of the story....
We leave in a society where these things happen...
Please be careful when you go out guys


life is a choice my friend
so choose wisely
enough said