OKRO SOUP

Ada gathered her nightgown about her. She felt her heart pounding inside her chest.

More banging at the door.

"UNA NO WAN OPEN D DOOR???" Came a harsh male voice from the other side of the door.

"Jesus!" She heard her husband exclaim from behind her. " D..do you think its armed r..robbers?"

"No Simon, its Jehovah's Witness pounding at our door at 3am in the morning."

"Are you mocking me?" He whispered back defensively.

"IF UNA NO OPEN DIS DOOR, D BEATIN WEY WE GO BEAT UNA EH???"

CELL 307

I am really glad you guys enjoy my stories… Not certain how creepy some of them really are, even though Opus says they are super creepy. So I was pulled by my hair, from the couch where I was lounging and reading comments, to my laptop by you know who.


 I type this under duress in a padded cell where everything is….. guess…. Guess…. PINK. The usual white padded cells are not my thing I guess. My asylum is a democratic environment as they even let us choose the colour of our cells and even the cell number.


Mine is number 307(smiles knowingly), so come visiting if you dare. Needless to say, a lot of those mad people chose number 666, maybe just to show that they are indeed disturbed in their heads, or just for show. We have over 15 cells with that number on their doors.(way to go crazies).

ANOTHER APOLOGY (from the buttocks of my heart)

Good morning, guys.

I am really sorry to have been M.I.A. I have been ill for a couple of days now, but you all have been in my mind the whole time.

Thank you very much for coming in even when I wasn't posting any new stories.A BIG Thank you to all those who checked up on me via email, fb etcetera.

Been in confined to a bed for a while now.
But don't freak out,I am recovering.

I got tons of stories lined up, (yea I love writing that much).

OLUKWU the native doctor part 6

Ekwa!!!"Olukwu spat as he winced in pain again.

It had been two days since that evil Ubong had dealt him an immensely painful blow to the side of his face.

"Wicked man" The Native Doctor said out loud as he scratched the side of his head again.

Was it not pregnancy they asked for?Olukwu wondered.

"Is it a bad thing for a man to be pregnant?"he screamed into his empty shrine.

It had been quite an ordeal.

PASTOR BOSCO episode 4

"No weapon formed against me shall prosper!!!"Pastor Bosco yelled over his shoulder,as he fled for his life.

Of course the he knew that there were few mortals (living or dead) whom could catchup with him.

IF YOU HAD THREE WISHES......WHAT WOULD YOU WISH FOR???pt 2

"This is a really messy place" I heard him say behind me.

"Oh God!"I exclaimed as I turned around.

"You're real"I said.

He was standing in the middle of the room.He wasn't wearing a police uniform.

He was dressed in a T-shirt and pair of shorts.He seemed like a tourist looking for directions to a nearby beach.

To be fair,he was a actually a very good looking man.

He stared at my room in disgust.
"Haven't you heard of a house keeper?"He said staring at the heap of clothes by the door.

"....what's happening to me....what's going on?"I said closing the bathroom door behind me.


He seemed a little distracted.Perhaps it was the musty smell ,or untidiness of the room.

"...you got what you asked for didn't you...?" He asked looking casually about my space.

"....look,...I don't know what's going on....I thought It was a dream,....I was drunk,...it was late....."

"You'll likely be detained for a couple of days...." He said staring at a pair of boxers on the floor.

Yep,he definitely had a limp.

And what kind of name was Vodun,anyway?I wondered.

"This isn't what I asked for....this isn't..."I began.
But once again he cut me off.

"...When a Billion Dollars suddenly pops up in someone's bank account in Nigeria,....people tend to get suspicious."He said.


Long pause

"What are you.....are you like a Demon or something...?"I asked looking him over

But seriously,who or what was he?I thought.

A witch,a spirit or figment of my imagination?

Maybe I was hallucinating.

Maybe this were the product of a bad break up.


He smiled at me the way a loving father would to his child.

"You  have two wishes left...use them wisely" he said.

My phone was ringing again.
It was Mr Ahmed again.

"....what do I do?" I asked him. All this was getting scary.

Phone was still ringing.

".....what ever you're going to do,do it quickly....they probably have your address ...."Vodun Said with a mild chuckle.

"God!I just wish the money wasn't in my account .....I just wish I were a normal guy with a horde of women chasing after  instead of worrying about being gang raped in prison...."I said.

I was talking really fast and pacing back and forth my messy room like some mad person.I had to think.

Could I "wish" this all away?I thought

That would leave me with just one wish.

And what would happen to all that money?

Where would it go?I needed to opportunity to rub it in Vivian's face one day.

Then it hit me.

I could wish for more wishes.

Genius. I thought.

Just genius.

I could feel the sweat rolling down my skin.

I was so excited by this new Idea.

Vodun just kept on smiling.

Phone had stopped ringing.

"...What are you smiling about...?"I asked curiously.

Could he read minds too?

Vodun took a small bow.

"Your wish is my command" He said delightfully.

"W-wait....I didn't wish any thing..."I said frantically.

"You just did,my friend and now...you're out of wishes"he said delightfully.

Was this a trick?What was he talking about?

"You are out of wishes. Very few have this opportunity....I will be back in seven days for your soul ....enjoy your women while you can.....bye!"Vodun said with a chuckle.

"Wait...when did I make two more wishes?....you tricked me...you...."I was walking towards him,when he snapped his fingers.

Once again,I was lying on my bed staring at the ceiling.

Was it a dream? I wondered.

Then I heard them.

Hundreds of voices....female voices.

The sounds were getting louder by the second.

They were coming from my gate.

I rushed off the bed.Thankfully,this time I didn't have to worry about a migraine.

Once again,I stumbled over some clothes....and shoes on the floor.

I heard their voices  chanting in unison as I approached the window.

"We want Iyke!!! We want Iyke!!! We want Iyke!!!"

Outside my gate was at least a hundred or so women(young and old) with several large Placards with words like;
 'Iyke,I want to have your babies. ... I want you now Iyke......My body is yours Iyke"

That last One was particularly disturbing because the woman holding it had to be at least Eighty years old.
They kept on chanting together.

"We want Iyke!!!"

I gulped.


That was five days ago.

As I write this now,I am standing on the roof of a fast food eatery. The entire building is surrounded by women....all shapes and sizes.young and old.

I haven't been able to sleep for the past five days.

I have been sexually abused and man handled more times than I can count.

I barely managed to escape my own home with my life.

It has been  hell.

"We want Iyke!!!"
If I hear that chant one more time,I'll kill myself.

But then again if the fall from this height didn't kill me,these lustful demons down there would rape me to death.

I have tried calling Vodun but got no response.

I have brought out a small mirror I managed to smuggle out of my house when the 'horde' attacked.

"We want Iyke!!!"

Right now,I'd gladly give him anything, even my soul for some peace.

"Vodun!Vodun!Vodun!"

"We want Iyke!!!"

"Oh God! Where is he???"

LIFE IS A CHOICE MY FRIEND
SO CHOOSE WISELY
ENOUGH SAID

IF YOU HAD THREE WISHES,....WHAT WOULD YOU WISH FOR?

I stared at him in silence wondering just how drunk I was.

Had I finished an entire bottle?

I continued looking at this strange police man as the night wore on.

Somewhere in the alcoholic fumes, I recalled staring at my watch not too long ago(which couldn't have been up to an hour)

But then again,I couldn't really be sure of anything could I ?

I mean,there I was at maybe 2:00AM or so parked by the side of a lonely road talking to a Weird Police man who had just told me he was a Genie with the power to grant me three wishes.

PASTOR BOSCO episode 3

Calling the small room Pastor Bosco sat in an office would be like calling a Batcher a Serviced Flat.

It was essientially a small room,with a single window,a leaking ceiling, unpainted walls,and an untiled floor.

It had two plastic chairs and an old wooden table with enough nails on it to start a small carpentery workshop.

Thankfully,the heat wasn't so bad today.

PASTOR BOSCO 2

Pastor bosco stared at the buses. Getting into a bus and preaching was risky. The last time he tried it,he was shocked just how stingy people could be. At the end of the bus ride after wasting his holy saliva to preach all he'd gotten was Forty Naira.can you imagine that?FORTY NAIRA!!

The bus had at least Ten People inside it and that's all they could give? Useless people and they wonder why God doesn't answer their prayers.mtchewww!

He got into one of the buses, still pondering on his ordeal. The fare was One Hundred Naira and right off he'd known that his famous "the love of money..." Wouldn't work with the large muscular bus conductor.

PASTOR BOSCO

It was 5AM.

Ike walked briskly towards  the Pastor's house that morning.
Five times that week  had tried catching the Man of God at home, with no success.

This time was going to be different, he thought. He had woken up two hours earlier than usual.

His wife had already given him an earful that morning.

"Are you not a man?" she had screamed at him in the bedroom.

Are you his tenant  or landlord??.....biko. go and be a man"

So there he was, on the way to Pastor Bosco's one bedroom to collect the rent.

OLUKWU THE NATIVE DOCTOR PT 5

Olukwu sat cross legged at the center of his shrine, as he busied himself with mixing of the potion.

His mind was focused on the job at hand. So focused in fact that he seemed indifferent to Pamela's singing outside.

In the past few days, her feelings for him had gone from infatuation to borderline obsession.Now she was talking about starting a family.To be fair, the concept of marriage terrified Olukwu. Even before his CALLING,he had hated it.He hated children. They were too noisy and smelled terrible.
The truth was he couldn't stand the company of a woman for too long.
He couldn't stand the company of ANYONE for too long.

OLUKWU THE NATIVE DOCTOR pt4

OLUKWU sat cross legged  in the centre of the shrine. His eyes were closed as he seemed to be in a deep state of meditation.Perhaps he was communing with the spirits or......

".....cause alllllll of me,....loves alllll of you" came Pamela's voice from outside. She was sweeping the entrance of the shrine as she sang her love song.

"My sunshine" her voice called out. Olukwu's face made a slight frown.

"Have you finished praying to the spirits?"her voice asked.

No answer.Olukwu suddenly seems lost in his meditation again.

"My sunshine!"she calls out again.

Still no answer.

OLUKWU THE NATIVE DOCTOR part 3

It was a sunny Wednesday Morning.The tide was mild and as gentle as the breeze that swept across the hut. Olukwu sat at the entrance of the small hut enjoying a full Calabash of Kolanuts.He seemed oblivious to everything else as he blissfully chewed away.

"OLUKWU! OLUKWU!!!"came the voice of the spirits.

But the Native doctor seemed not the hear the beckoning  of the Spirits
"OLUKWU,.....YOU ARE EATING THE MORNING OFFERING!!!!"He ignored it.He began murmuring under his breath,
"...I..can not eat Kola...I cannot touch breast....we will see where you will chop offering this morning...."
"OLUKWU!!!!!!!" the voice was louder this time.

"Ekwa!!"He snapped throwing a piece of partially eaten kolanut to the ground in irritation.
"What is it...eh? what is it???" Olukwu rushed up to his feet combatantly as the wrapper almost fell off his waist.He grabbed the fabric quickly just  before it "exposed" him.
"Will I not eat my kola in peace again....eh?" he shouted towards the heavens.With his free hand, he pulled at an ear lobe in a warning gesture.
"..........don't disturb me this morning oh....if you don't want my trouble!"with that the angry  native doctor began picking up his Calabash as a group of Teenage girls passed by with Buckets of water.
They stared curiosly at the Chalk-Faced-Partialy nude man.Clearly they were wondering who he was shouting at.
"What is your business??....GETOUT" Olukwu yelled charging towards them.His sudden movements loosened  the wrapper  from his body,revealing his Manhood.The girls panicked and took to their heels but not before discarding their buckets...unceremoniously.
".....AND IF I SEE YOU HERE AGAIN,...I..I WILL IMPREGNATE YOU!!!" He yelled after the frightened girls,as he covered himself up again.
"Nonsense" he said still glaring at the fleeing Teenagers.
"....coming here to show me Nyansh"he murmured to himself as he returned to his hut.In his haste to harrass the girls,he had knocked over his Calabash.The ground was littered with his freshly peeled Kolanuts.
"Mtcheeew!" he went in disgust as he bent down(with a painful grunt) to pick his Kolanuts.

OLUKWU THE NATIVE DOCTOR.part 2

Olukwu rises from his crouched position after Pamela left.Images of her cleavage still filled his head. Chai! The girl was beautiful! he thought to himself.He had wanted her for so long. Ever since Amaka had brought her here.Where was Amaka sef ?he wondered .clearly she had found another Juju Priest else where.
"These young girls are so ungrateful"He said out loud.After all, wasn't he the one who gave Amaka her first Charm? And what did he get out of it?Nothing absolutely nothing.Not once did she ever just say to herself "let me sleep here with this old man and ease his loneliness."LIE LIE!!!!!.All they know is; "give me,give me!!!!" They never think about him.
"Baba, I want children....."He mimicked ."Oh!...I want to be rich, I want him to love me......ekwa ekwa ekwa!"

 He adjusted his wrapper.It had been falling off his waist for some months now.
He remembered when he was a young man,before the SPIRITS called him to serve.He was quite "a terror" to girls back then.
He smiled at the memory.If it was that time eh?He would've FINISHED Pamela sharp-sharp.

And that's what they used to call him back then(when he still had friends)Olukwu "sharp-sharp".
Now, look at him.Alone and by himself at the age of......... Well.....to be fair, he wasn't really sure of how old he was.His last count was 43, but that was years ago.
As first High Priest of The Spirits, he was forbidden to have a wife or a child.When the time was right, The Spirits would send him an apprentice.As custom, he would teach this apprentice everything he knew till the day he left this world.
"Biko!he said out loud with his arms stretched to the ceiling of his hut.
"Let that day come soon...before I die of Loneliness"

OLUKWU THE NATIVE DOCTOR

Olukwu, the Native Doctor was a smallish man with a slender frame.He was in his late Sixties,but the constant white chalk-mask he wore made it almost impossible to discern his age. 

 He stared at Pamela in silence as sounds of the rising tide from the nearby river filled the air.It was evening,which meant that the various groups of blood sucking insects were up and about.

She hated coming here for several reasons.First off,the Road leading up to the JUJU house was inaccessible to cars, which meant trekking through a thick  BUSH for about Ten Minutes and another Five Minutes of Muddy ground.

As always,by the time she arrived at the hut, her well manicured feet looked like they belonged to a refugee fleeing a civil war in her country.
Her second reason for hating this trip,was the way Olukwu the native doctor stared at her.He seemed fascinated by her boobs and rarely looked at her face.
He would lick his lips as he gazed hungrily at them.
She'd been coming here for Years and each time,she had to remind herself to wear clothes that didn't give the clearly lustful man anything to see.
But today was different.She had an emergency,which meant no time to pick the right type of top.In fact all she had on were a flimsy pair of shorts and a top that left very little to the imagination.
Her boobs were barely contained inside the revealing top. Of course this was a great source of pleasure to the horny-chalk-painted faced man.

HOW TO MEK MONI PT3.wit Celestine Egochoppins

Ello Bebs,

I'm back.

I dont have a beb no more.I have breakup Ekaette.

Dat beb can kill a man And I cannot Risk ma life Becuss of luff.

Godforbit!!
 I cannot marry a Beb who sess more dan me.

Dat girl is Sess-Machine.Can u belief da afta five rounds dat night d Babe is not satisfy?

WAHALA CHRONICLES,hotel drama

.

Here's the scenario,

I got to Owerri at about 6:30 that evening.
I knew I was late. Any self-respecting Traditional wedding would be winding down by now. I thought.
 As I approached the venue, I could see a lot of Traditionally Attired people leaving with wine bottles and weird looking souvenirs.
CRAP!!!
The wedding was over. Alex was going to kill me. I thought to myself.

I had left Port Harcourt about 8HOURS earlier. So why was I late? Well traffic coming into Owerri was just UNBELIVEABLE, like something out of The Book Of Revelations. I was stuck in traffic for at least four hours sandwiched between a large trailer and a very rickety Bus with insane LOUD SPEAKERS.
The ugly-metallic box on wheels  kept on playing; ''JAMMIN'' by Bob Marley- over and OVER AGAIN!!!I must've heard that song at least over Five Hundred times that day. The damn thing was on repeat like some hellish tune. Each time the song played, I thought  of MURDERING the Bus Driver. And if I had, I am fairly certain the other drivers would've helped dispose of the body.

HOW TO MEK MONI PT3 wit celestine egochoppins

PREZ DE LORD!!

I haff a Beb!!

All dos fek Bebs on dis internet, you haff miss  shance to chop moni.
I am Pride to announce  dat I  haff a Beb, and I don need you no more. You haff mess up ya chance, and miss ya millions, now my Omalicha  haff land to chop ma moni.

WAHALA CHRONICLES.night robbery

Here's the scenario,


So there We were, standing outside my house, gisting away.
Now I can't recall what time of the year it was. Whether it was closer to December or  June. But I do recall that the night was  chilly and slightly windy. The images,smells and sounds of a bustling "club-street" were all around us.
Car horns BLARING, angry drivers yelling at each other, scantily clad Prostitutes ,Scantily clad  girls(that could pass for prostitutes),

whiffs of cigarette smoke in the air, Mobile Suya and Shawama Sellers. The occasional "couple" going by and of course who could forget the general "club-goers"
The NIGHT CLUB nearby (which in my opinion at the time, was a just a large dancing restaurant that played a lot of loud rock music) was the cause of all the mayhem. .

It was actually no more than three gates from where we stood on that  LOUD Friday night.

HOW TO MEK MONEY PT 2.wit Celestine Egochoppins

Ello bebs

Is me Celestine Egochoppins De Ego n'naghi agwu agwu  Alias
 Agu ji Ego   of Nnewi Local Government Area.I haff moni! Bcos of my moni peoples allarond  are singing music wit my name. O yes. My moni cannot finishes.