Friday, 1 January 2016
OKRO SOUP
Ada gathered her nightgown about her. She felt her heart pounding inside her chest.
More banging at the door.
"UNA NO WAN OPEN D DOOR???" Came a harsh male voice from the other side of the door.
"Jesus!" She heard her husband exclaim from behind her. " D..do you think its armed r..robbers?"
"No Simon, its Jehovah's Witness pounding at our door at 3am in the morning."
"Are you mocking me?" He whispered back defensively.
"IF UNA NO OPEN DIS DOOR, D BEATIN WEY WE GO BEAT UNA EH???"
More banging.
"Ah don die oooh!!" Simon placed his hands on his head. Even in the dark, she could tell his legs were trembling. They usually did when he was scared s**tless. It sickened her.
Something heavy crashed into the door from the other side. The entire living room seemed to tremble.
"Chei! They will beat me oooh!!" Simon cried.
"So wait, na yaself you dey think about abi?" She snapped.
"Before nko? Studies have shown that armed robbers like to beat the males in the house...."
"And rape the females in the house" she said evenly.
" Mbok, rape and beating are not the same thing" he said shaking his head.
The front door suddenly crashed open.
Wooden splinters exploded into the room.
The couple covered their faces as the cold morning air brought in four dark figures.
The four men rushed into the house. Simon was savagely kicked in the ribs as he cowered by the side of the door.
"Please,... Please don't beat me"
WHACK!
The slap silenced him and instantly reduced him to a whimpering heap. Ada was roughly grabbed and dragged to the centre of the living room.
"SO, UNA NO GREE OPEN DOOR ABI?"
"No...no..it wasn't me," Simon was screaming.
"It was my wife oh, she refused to open the door"
Ada stared at his struggling form incredulously . She had half a mind to ask the permission of the Robbers to administer her own brand of " brushing" on her husband. She thought better of it when she saw one of the armed men grab Simon by the ankles and drag him towards her. She couldn't see much, but she could see enough to know that the men had guns and Matchetes. At least two of them were bare-chested. She tightened the fabric around her body. This was one occasion where a short, transparent and loose night-gown was a baaaad idea. She tried her possible best to cover herself. The last thing she desired was to give these men ideas.
WHACK!
Went a blow across her husband's face.
"WEY D MONEY???" One of them barked.
"Chei! Oga," Simon whimpered. " Money no dey oh....I'm a Civil servant, Government never pay us"
WHACK !
"Aaaah! Simon screamed in pain.
"WISSH KINE TALK B DAT?" A smaller one snapped. He roughly jabbed the nuzzle of a rifle into Simon's face. "BRING D MONI, OR I GO POROUS YOU HERE!!!"
"Oga as God is my witness,....Money no dey"
Simon squealed. Ada Rolled her eyes, Simon loved the "...as-God-is-my-witness" plea. It was his last resort in dire situations. The last time he'd used it was two days before when she'd denied him sex due to ill health. Simon ( being the inconsiderate horny goat that he was) went on his knees next to the bed and cried: " As God is my witness, I will never ask you for sex whenever you're ill again. But please, cure my Conji this night lest I suffer a stroke in my sleep biko". Eventually, she had given in. But now, hearing him again made her wish she'd taken her chances with him suffering a Conji-induced-stroke.
" I haven't been paid salary for December o!"
Simon was yelling." Dis Christmas na God hand we dey oh!!!"
WHACK!!!
"Wen I tell you suntin Emeka, you no go hear" said One armed robber to another. " I tell you say dis guy no dey like person wey get Moni, you no gree"
"Ubong, So na bad tin I do as I bring una com hustle for Christmas?" Emeka retorted. He pulled at an earlobe. " "You too dey find fault for anytin wey I do....take your time oh!....Now na "ember" month, I no want temptation"
"Na bad tin I talk?" Ubong replied defensively.
"Abi, make I no talk again?....if d tin be like dis, I go vex go house oh!
The robbers seemed to have forgotten about the cowering couple.
Ubong turned and made for the door.
"Bros, cool down nau" came the third robber.
"E never reach like dat. Emeka you sef why you talk to am like dat? Oya, tell am sorry"
Simon and Ada exchanged curious looks.
"Musa, I no go fit...."
"TELL AM SORRY BEFORE I POROUS YOU HERE!" Musa snapped.
Long pause.
Emeka reluctantly turned to Ubong and said; "Bros, no vex for d tin I talk"
Ubong shrugged and came back to the centre of the living room.
"Had it been we had held proper prayers before this operation, none of this would be happening" The fourth robber said. His other three colleagues shook their heads at this.
"Efe, I no ready for ya talk now abeg" Emeka said waving his matchet at him. "Abi you read Bible pass me?"
"You see?" Efe said extending his arms.
"Confusion....God is not the author of confusion.....had it been we had had a proper prayer session....."
"See person wey dey talk. You pay tithe reach me?" Ubong snapped. "You no how many deliverance I don go?"
"Oya, e don do!" Musa declared. " We go settle dis church matter for house. Make we finish dis operation"
Long silence.
The other three clearly didn't want to oppose him.
"All I'm saying is," Efe began softly. "....'..the steps of a righteous man are ordered by God'....if we seek his face...."
WHACK!!! Went Musa's hand across his face.
"Aah!" Efe screamed.
"If I hear ya mouth again eh?" Musa said waving his rifle at him. "No be all of us do 6 to 6 fasting for this operation?....You pray reach me?"
"Seriously??" Ada asked incredulously.
"SHARRAP!!!" All four robbers barked at her.
She returned to her cowering position.
"Oya, make una search the house" Musa ordered his colleagues. "D guy fit dey lie"
The three left to search the house, while Musa stood guard over the frightened couple.
"As you big like dis, you wan talk say you no get Moni, mtcheeew!!!" Musa spat in disgust.
An hour later, the three returned.
"Nottin dey dis house o!" Ubong sighed. "Food sef no dey, na only one small pot of okro soup wey dey kitchen"
Musa stared at the couple with glaring rage.
"Una mate dey kill goat, na small okro soup Una wan carry enter new year???"
"Better Isam sef no dey the soup" Emeka said in disgust.
"These people need prayers, its a spiritual problem" Efe shrugged.
"Please sir,...." Simon cried " It's all we have....."
WHACK!!!
Then all four men descended on the couple; punching, and kicking at them until they both passed out.
Hours later, Ada and her husband woke up.
Their house had been turned upside down, their bodies covered in bruises. But nothing in the house was missing......save for Ada's small pot of Okro soup and several cups of Garri that remain unaccounted for till this day.
A full scale police investigation and man-hunt is currently underway.
LIFE IS A CHOICE MY FRIENDS
SO CHOOSE WISELY
ENOUGH SAID
30 comments:
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Sister Priye 2
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I don't know why People like me exist in the world... .Perhaps we are nature's way of striking a balance between normal and F**kup. ...
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image courtesy radnatt at freedigitalimages.net Amaka stops by the curb rather abruptly. From the look on her face, she is clea...
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Good morning, guys. I am really sorry to have been M.I.A. I have been ill for a couple of days now, but you all have been in my mind the w...
Happy new year opus n ivy..i officially welcome myself to ur blog,even tho i have been a silent bv since may last year (lol 2015 its nw lastyr)i wil try n comment often this yr.
ReplyDeleteHappy new year OpusIvy
DeleteHahahahahaha very funny
DeleteHappy new year opus and ivy. The story was very funny. Such a nice way to usher in d new year.
ReplyDeleteHappy new u to u all my blog friends n Opus with his lovely wife. We all made it, thank u Jesus!
ReplyDeleteLmao.
DeleteHappy new year.
What a way to start the new year. Very funny indeed. Happy new year everybody.
ReplyDelete*death by laughter*! This shall never be our portion in Jesus name! Amen.
ReplyDeleteHappy near year Opus and Ivy, dynamic duo extraordinaire.
ReplyDeleteTamia_lixir
Happy new year
ReplyDeleteHappy new year dear opusites...opusIvy happy new year!!!
ReplyDeleteNaso dem poor lol
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year
ReplyDeleteHahahahaha, exactly what 'one million' boys will do if they come to rob someone.
ReplyDeleteLmao! Happy new year Opusites and OpusIvy...
ReplyDelete#IReadOpusTJKWrites!
Lol. This story is so funny. One of the best. Even armed robbers de do 6to6 fasting. I love it. Happy New year all n God save us from cowardly men tufia
ReplyDeleteFunny side of a downside to life. Comic robbery scene, relief at the no life lost case. OpusIvy and all my friends here, happy new year.....this is wishing you quantum leap wrapped in a glorious year, amen.
ReplyDeleteHappy new year OpusIvy!
ReplyDeleteLow class hungry thieves
ReplyDeleteHehehehehehehehehe broke ass couples
ReplyDeleteI wan serious with opus blog dis year
Being reading ur blog since I was inside mummy Tommy
Lool... the hunger is real.
ReplyDeleteNow I'm craving okro soup. Happy New year everyone.
ReplyDeleteOyibo
Hahhahahahahaha, the story is so funny...Happy new year to Opus and blog readers
ReplyDeleteHahhahahahahaha, the story is so funny...Happy new year to Opus and blog readers
ReplyDeleteThis one na Hunger-Induced robbery
ReplyDeleteLol, happy new year Opusivy
ReplyDeleteGreat story bro. Happy new year opusites!!!
ReplyDeleteLmao! Happy new year y'all
ReplyDeleteHahahahaha!
ReplyDeleteI actually pictured the argument. Lmaooo!!!!!
ReplyDelete