GO FIGURE!!!

Happy independence day" he declared with a less than pleasant smile on his face.

Between the blazing sun and the stench from his armpits,I didn't know which offended me the most.

"Gerrout of here!! "I screamed at him, scarcely recognising my own voice amidst the blaring of car horns and the stink of sweat.The Air conditioner wasn't  working,and if any body knows traffic is Port Harcourt, a hot afternoon is  the worst situation to be in when your AC is bad.



"Happy independence day".he said again as if he hadn't heard me tell him to f**k off.I glared at him.I'm fairly certain at that point we must have seemed like the prequel to a Newspaper headline;"ANGRY WOMAN ATTACKS STREET HAWKER!turn to page 2 for the inside story"
I'd had enough of his voice. Not just because I was an impatient woman,but because I simply wasn't in the mood.

My husband had cheated on me.


True story.

I had caught  him with his proverbial 'pants down' humping the s**t out of our house help Ekaete(I know....the name sounds cliche) .

What did I do?

I went numb,THAT'S what I did.

I had nothing in my head save for the image of  him and Ekaete in doggy position.

Now who's fault was it?Don't look at me!How the f**k was  I supposed to know?Was there a manual for this sort of situation? Was there a 'how---you're -supposed-to-act when-you -catch-your-husband DOING-Ekaete-in-your-bedroom?Noooo! There wasn't.Believe me,I checked.


But I digress from my story. I was on the street with a hawker from Planet Stinky.He as staring at me like he'd just won the lottery and I was the first family member  he'd  informed.Dude barely even blinked (at least I  don't think he did).He just kept on staring at me with that same idiotic expression on his face.


"What do you want"?I had no choice but to engage him.He wasn't going any where. And apparently neither was I.The traffic was from hell and devil was in the sun.My driver side window was faulty .Yes, yes I know.You're  asking, why I hadn't fixed it.Well, aside from shagging my house help, my good for nothing stingy husband had done nothing about  it.

I mean who does that? I can't believe I had put up with all his bulls**t for so long.Okay  I loved him.(yet another cliche ) Jump to whatever conclusion you want to.The fact of the matter is ,I loved the promiscuous little f**k .I believed  him  when he told me things were rough....(financially)Well I sort of  already knew that.


The recession hit his job really hard.They were not making money .And you know what happens to a business manager when the Company isn't making money?You guessed it.Nothing ABSO-F**KING-LUTELY nothing.

We were broke.In fact we had been  for years. And who was bringing home the bacon?

Right again!

Me! me, me, me, me!!!Was I drugged? or did I  loose a f**king bet?How  did I end up with a house girl f**ker for a husband?


I mean c'mon, Ekaette was barely Eighteen.And He put his d**k in that little twat?How in the hell did she know how to do the doggy.?And lets not forget.Peter hadn't  f**ked me in months.

Yeah,you heard right .Months!

He usually gave me the whole song and dance about being tired, having a headache bla bla bla.Did i complain?No f**king way!

 I was his wife,and I loved him.So how the hell could he do this to me?.How horny do you have to get to f**k a house help?

Please tell me,I want to know.Is there like a horny scale I should know about?

Once again,I digress.

Mr Smelly Armpits was by my window waving one of them national flags

"HAPPY INDEPENDENCE!" he said again.

I got thinking.

How could Peter sink so low.How could he be so evil ?I was soooo furious.

"Get in the car,lets go and f**k" I said without thinking.Mr Smelly Armpits looked at me as if I had just farted loudly and pinned it on him.

"Eh?"he said. He obviously was no Rocket Scientist.

"I said get in the car"

Just then the traffic began to move .I mean seriously ?At that point?

So I repeated the order like some frustrated Drill Seargent.

The car horns behind me began their roar.Like I intended being on the street forever.

Images of Peter and Ekaete flooded my mind again. I wanted to scream!I wanted to f**king rip someone's throat out.How could she have f**ked my husband?Scratch that, how could HE have f**ked her?

More car horns blared behind me.


I didn't care!

To be fair at that point if I'd had a Hattori Hanso sword, I'd have gone Kill Bill on those f**kers.

Why was I the victim?

More horns.

"Shut the f**k up!"I screamed at no one in particular, but I  was staring  behind my car in case you were wondering.

Mr Smelly Armpits just stood there in shock as if I had slapped him.

"I said get in the car,We're going to f**k" The guy snapped out his idiocy, rushed round and entered the car.He apparently didn't know what to make of me whether I was Joking,homicidal or just nuts.


As the traffic moved on I locked the  doors.

Okay,the central lock  was the only thing still fairly functional in the car.

Mr Smelly Armpit's stench filled the  interior.

If body odours were a sport,his smell f**king won the Olympics.If the world were  to end due to body odours,his would be at the top of the list.

"Madam ,where are we going ? He asked,apparently confused.I ignored him.

By the time we got to my house,I noticed Peters car wasn't in the drive way.

"Come down!" I barked at Mr Smelly.He more or less stumbled out of the car .

"Madam I..."

"Shut your mouth, drop your things and follow me."

Yeah,he truly was no Einstein.


The house was empty.No doubt,when I'd stormed out earlier,Peter must've tried to follow me.

Oh! did he just feel a tinge of guilt or was it  the fact that I had interrupted his f**king that had upset him.?Well,two can play at that game Mr House help F**ker.

So I took Mr Smelly inside,grabbing him by the nuts like it were some leash .To be fair I thought maybe that was all men were; dogs on a leash.They could only think with their d**ks hence, their inability to  multitask.

 Think about it.A d**k only has one thing on its mind.

You guessed it!

A vagina.

I realised Ekaette wasn't in  the house either .Or maybe she was hiding.God save the bitch if I had found her in the house.


We got into the bedroom.I could still smell Ekaette and Peter in there.I was soooo mad.

I more or less tore off my clothes.Mr Smelly armpits watched  the process the way a Civil Engineer watches the unveiling of a  road project.

In case you were wondering, I have an extremely rocking body.I hit the gym more than threes times a week and had just started yoga classes.So in a word,I was HAWT.So why didn't my husband think so?How the hell was I supposed to know?


All I know is,Mr smelly began to ravish me before the fabric of my clothes hit the floor.His smell was atrocious,I almost choked on it.

And then it finally dawned on me.That small part of the human mind that wasn't numbed with rage.


"What are you doing,Ngozi?"it was a small voice in my head but it felt like canon blast.

Really,What was I doing?I had been so upset that I went out of my house and grabbed a total stranger and now I was going to what?Shag him to get back at my husband?Was I nuts?What if the guy had Aids or some other f**ked up disease?


This was a bad Idea.

"Stop,wait"I struggled.

But it was too late.Mr smelly was in pure f**k mode.There was no stopping him.He threw me on the bed and in seconds was struggling to enter me.

I kept on struggling but the dude was like Hercules.

"Nyanga dey sleep,trouble dey come find am....you go see f**k run today"He said with his mouth on my body.

He Drooled over me,whispering crazy s**t in my ear as he struggled to penetrate me.

"Please..."I whimpered.But Mr Smelly was in La La land of F**ksville.He was going to DO me whether I wanted it or not.

Then suddenly,he was off me.I looked up to find Peter smashing his fist into Mr Smelly's face.

"Gerrout of here!"my husband screamed.Never had I been so happy to see him.

Mr Smelly stumbled out of the house at near warp speed.

I was still crying.

Peter wrapped his arms around me.I didnt flinch.I was too scared.My heart was still pounding .and I could still smell Mr Smelly on my skin.


Long silence.

"I'm sorry"He whispered

"I'm sorry too"I whimpered.


We remained like that for a long time.Then I felt his temperature rise.Something hard pressed against me.

I was shocked.

Then the implications of it all dawned on me.
His hand strayed across my body.

I smiled to myself.

Maybe the day might not be so bad after all.I just hope Peter and I can get past this.....somehow.





LIFE IS A CHOICE MY FRIENDS
SO CHOOSE WISELY
ENOUGH SAID



Happy Independence  to our country Nigeria...happy celebration.