NOTHINGNESS

I walked away from the fire, with the wind against my face. I am glad for the wind. The fire would burn brighter and hotter. I willed myself not to turn back, not to look back. The only thing that should remain of the place I once called home, should be ashes.

I didn't care that it was my sweat that was burning down, didn't care that all I nurtured and treasured was in there. I just didn't care.




It all started six years ago. When I got married. Unlike a whole lot of women, I went into my marriage knowing exactly what to expect. I had a game plan that was a mile long, and I intended to execute everyone of them. I wasn't a happy bride. No. I was a fulfilled bride. The next day, I went under the knife and out came the unfortunate foetus. Of course I came back home and smiled, and later that night screamed like I was dying. My doting husband was there for me through my "miscarriage".


Off we went for our honeymoon, through which I recuperated. Two weeks later we came back full of smiles and laughter. "Wow such a couple in love" were the whispers. More smiles. Suddenly I the lone wolf had a wonderful family. My husband's family were the absolute best. I had so much love being thrown to me from all angles, my cheeks always hurt from smiling.

I was the perfect wife. The only art I perfected more than being a wife, was being an actress. Being a wife was my best act. Everyone bought it. My home was always an example to others around. I even amazed myself. I knew exactly when to smile, cry and even cum. My husband was so in love with his perfect wife.

I know you are expecting to hear why or who or what my problem was. Yea. Nothing. Personally, I think my husband was the most perfect of his specie ever created. He was simply wonderful, every woman's dream. I hold no grudge against him or any member of his family. I don't think he has ever hurt anyone in his life. He didn't even get into fights as a child or an adolescent.


I know how precious it is to find a man like him, but unfortunately he was the one that fell into my net. The one I decided to use as an experiment to gauge my humanity. I wanted to find out why all brides seemed so happy. Was it the dress? or the man? I wanted to feel the euphoria I had seen on countless faces. I needed to fell the contentment I saw on the faces of women with their children. I wanted to know how it felt to feel. So I gave it my best shot. One thing was certain, I never wanted to bring in a child into this world, lest the child turned out like me.

For as long as I could remember, I have been cold inside. I wasnt abused, on the contrary, I had a wonderful family. My parents took great care of me, and I had the best of everything. At their demise, I inherited a small fortune. But I have never felt. Never..... Nothing. Not love, not hate, not pain, physical pain yes but nothing emotional. I needed to feel, to assert my humanity.

So I gave myself a five years plan. I would try to be the model wife for five years, and if that didn't work I would be rid of it and do something else. So I stayed for five years. At the end of which I gave myself one more year, just incase. We had even adopted a child, yet nothing. So I had to move on.


I would have just left, but then I had an idea, maybe I would feel loss. If I lost everything, maybe I would feel. Maybe that was what I needed to get me out of whatever held my abyss of emotions at bay.

But as I walked away from the fire, I didn't look back. Still Nothing.



LIFE IS A CHOICE MY FRIENDS
SO CHOOSE WISELY
ENOUGH SAID