MR AND MRS

I lay on my bed quietly.I must've killed Josh a thousand ways from Sunday....and then some.

Sometimes I wonder how he convinced me to marry him.

 Maybe I was tricked into this marriage, maybe I was drugged. The videos and pictures of the wedding seem alien to me.
   

I look really happy
Scratch that!

We look really happy. Assuming I believe the smiles on our faces.
Crap!

These days I don’t know what to believe.

 Eleven years and three and half kids down the line and I find myself wondering what in damnation I was thinking.

 Was I high?



Many people would look at us and think “what a perfect family” and they wouldn't be wrong. We do look really good together.

But even sh*t looks awesome once its dressed in Icing.


 Now you are wondering why I am ranting, if everything is so perfect. Diane weds Josh, and everyone came out to eat and drink.

 After the wedding, the first challenge I faced was what to do with all the gifts we received.

Our apartment was a tight squeeze already, and I hate clutter.

My newly wedded husband on the other hand, is a hoarder. I mean what do we need a grinding stone for?

If not for the silly reason that his grandmother brought it all the way from her village for us.

So?

 I was never going to use a grinding stone, not when we had four blenders and even two manual grinders amongst the gifts.

But my sentimental husband wouldn’t let the damn thing go, hence our first fight.

In hindsight, maybe I should have kept the grinding stone, at least it would be good enough to aid in sinking his lifeless body into the canal......after I had bashed his skull with it.….hmmmm.

Then it was time for me to unpack my boxes, that was when it dawned on me that I was stuck, with him, forever!

Forever and ever???

Remember, that our apartment was really tiny, and I have a lot of clothes. What can I say, I really love clothes. We had a small wardrobe, which was in constant disarray.

I tried creating some space for my things, all the while wishing I had had the sense to marry a man that could give me a walk-in closet.

For one month, I was always searching for my things, and I gave up. I started living from my boxes.

You can imagine how many rumpled clothes I had to iron at the last minute.


Prior to marriage, I loved cooking. Really….. I found it relaxing. Then I realized that I had a man child to cook for all the days of my life, and it became a chore.

Josh ruined cooking for me the way bacteria ruins the taste of egusi soup when the food goes bad.

When we were dating, I cooked for him, but that was me doing him a favour. But now, I MUST cook. It’s my duty to cook. Where is the fun in that?

I mean,even sex is tedious when it seems like a job.

 He even wanted to start dictating what he would like to eat on a daily basis, but no way was I having that. Then I learnt “weekend cooking”, taught him how to use a microwave, and felt immensely better.


What about the ghosts of his girl friends past?

Really, it was terrible. I dated this man for seven months before he proposed, then we had eight months to plan our wedding.

My people, imagine my dilemma, when chicks started calling him at odd hours. Stopping him when we are out, to say congratulations. I MEAN,DO THEY HAVE TO???

 The looks on their faces, sizing me up. Who can blame me when I became paranoid, always suspicious of his movements. I know…. I never planned to be that type of wife.

 But that was what I became. All of a sudden, I was that wife that was checking for lipstick stains, call logs, even facebook likes.

Overnight,I had become an FBI profiler.Constantly searching for clues to a crime.



I took in, and didn’t have the energy to keep chasing after him, thank God. That phase, brought its own issues.

 From feeling unattractive, to feeling I would be better off as a single mother, to the times when I had immense love for the father of my child, my feelings were just everywhere.

I give Josh credit for sticking around all through that period. I was terrible, I knew it, but it didn’t stop me from acting out.

Sometime in my second trimester, I was convinced Josh was shagging our neighbour’s daughter.

 Don’t ask me how and why.


I saw the smile she gave him one morning, and the Sherlock holmes in me kicked in.

 Even when my investigations revealed that the girl was just interested in my husband’s younger brother, I just escalated it to them having a threesome.

Crazy,I know.

The first year of marriage is usually hard they say, but coupled with my pregnancy, it was terrible.


I birthed our son Desmond and everything changed, Des changed me, changed his father too.

Suddenly, it wasn’t just about us anymore. We had a tiny person to fend for, and we made plans and dreamt dreams.

Our baby was the perfect gift from God. Three months of sleepless nights, and I thought of giving him out.

Those nights, when he wouldn’t stop crying, his father has had a crappy day at work, and I was so tired working all day while he slept, we would just look at each other, and wonder the safest orphanage to send him to.

 I think on some level, he knew we were going to sell him off if he didn’t calm down a bit because right at that moment, he would smile or do something cute and we would forget that we are tired and starved of sleep, and start saying how he was such a handsome boy and even start taking pictures.

 Motherhood rocks…….. most of the time.


Imagine my chagrin, when I found out I was pregnant again. Barely six months after Desmond. I was appalled.

I had not recovered from Desmond, and he had gotten me pregnant again? I blamed my husband all through that pregnancy.

Luckily for Josh, this baby was a darling from the womb. I didn’t get any of the crappy attitude I had with the first. I was full of energy, and my clock was set at happy through the nine months. Luckily for Josh.

 Then my angel popped out, Amelia. I made sure I took necessary precautions, Josh was not going to put one in any time soon.

So it went on and on, and before I knew it, Des was in jss 1 and we were celebrating ten years in marriage. We threw a big party, to celebrate it, got tipsy and Josh did it again. WHAM another baby on the way. What an anniversary gift.


Now to the reason why I am ranting, I feel bloated all the time, my nose is way out of proportion, and tonight, the baby has decided to be a football player.

It is 8:30pm, and I am all alone on my bed tired and angry, plotting how to kill my husband, who happens to be baby number one. He forgot my birthday. I have waited the whole day, and nothing…….. Nothing.



From a distance, Diane hears the front door open and close. Josh is obviously back. She waits for him to come upstairs to their bedroom, after ten minutes, she decides to go down stairs to look for him. The living room is dark. She switches on the light.


“HAPPY BIRTHDAY” her friends and family shout. She bursts into tears. She falls into her husband’s waiting arms, obviously she wouldn’t be killing him tonight.




written by Ivy Brown....edited by opustjk.
awesome piece.






LIFE IS A CHOICE MY FRIEND
SO CHOOSE WISELY
ENOUGH SAID





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