BAD BREATH

Here’s the scenario I boarded a flight to abuja from Port harcourt.  I  somehow made it to my seat after navigating my way  through the sea of small bags, protruding stomachs,a pissed off pregnant lady and the opened armpits of people placing stuff in the over head compartments. I hate flying by the way, call it acrophobia,aviophobia, or simply Village-Man-Syndrome .Planes terrify me.Some how, the notion of  being inside a large metallic object thousands of feet above the ground isn’t very comforting.

All the Re-assurances of modern Science and Technology haven’t seemed to help either.Planes scare me.Enough said. Anyway there I was on my  seat(as far away from the window as possible), dreading the next hour or so.Passengers were still settling in.

 On the flipside, I thought to myself, the seat next to me was still vacant which meant there was a possibility  (how ever remote) that some attractive  young female could end up sitting next to me (it was a long shot I know, but what’s life without hope?)
Anyway, that didn’t happen. The seat next to me was taken by a large Potbellied man that faintly smelled like a room that had been closed for days after a small family of rodents had died  inside it. Anyway, 5 minutes into the flight (after my heart rate had come down to a slightly manageable pace and after I’d confessed my sins to Jesus again and again).

I thought of starting up a conversation with Mr Potbelly! He wasn’t a young attractive woman but at least he’d be a much needed  distraction from the turbulence of the flight. “Juice sir,? Came the voice of a very pretty  female flight attendant. I looked up at her. She had a smile  that was like sun light and she had a very nice body. She was pushing one of those weirdly nice looking inflight food trays.
 I saw her and wished she were the passenger seated next to me.She was really pretty (sigh).

 Anyway,I was still staring at her when the Mr Potbelly spoke into the side of my face. “She’s talking to you” His voice was deeply husky (bear like even), but the foul stench and  strangely hot  radio-active breath that followed was unbelievable

  Tears filled my eyes instantly as if a small canister of tear gas had been unleashed. I felt the temperature on the side of my face rise like a bad fever. His breath smelled like  seasoned urine from an  alcholic.  I didn’t bother looking in his direction (for fear he would open his mouth again).
I quickly smiled at the waitress and said a quick  “No thank you,” and promptly kept my face away from Mr Potbelly. Trust me, I was prepared to stay that way for the duration of the flight, than encourage a conversation with him.
“Do you live in Port Harcourt?”Mr Pott belly asked. The man was evil.I thought.The air around my face had barely recovered from the first onslaught and now he was speaking again.How the hell was I suppose to think with that smell inside  my head.? I didnt have a breathmint to offer him and couldnt change seats.The flight was full.
“You look like one of my brothers from…..!” Mr Pot belly  was saying to me. Sh*t! He was a “Gister”(the type that could hold a conversation all by himself for hours) he’d probably talk for the rest of the flight which meant being subjected to more waves of his sewage-like stench for at least another 40minutes. “…..I have a brother in the House of Assembly…,”
He went on as, more of his stink enveloped me. I promptly beckoned the Pretty Flight attendant, she gave me a coy smile and walked towards me.Desperate times call for desperate measures.So bad was his mouth odor that I’d totally forgotten about my fear of flying.

“Please do you have any mints?”I’m sure my voice sounded desperate but I didn’t care . Still smiling, she reached into a small compartment on the tray and produced a handful of Tom-Toms. I smiled at her in gratitude,unwrapped and popped one into my mouth.
The air around me was foul. “…..He was married to one Bayelsa girl….!” Mr Potbelly was saying.Totally oblivious to the discomfort he was spreading. “Would you like some?” I asked politely as I turned to face him.

He had a puffy face with crooked teeth that was a shade darker than brown rice.The skin around his large nose housed a small colony of Pimples that looked liked they could “pop” at any moment. The awful fumes were still oozing from his opened mouth.Facing him took a lot of courage. He smiled at me flashing more dark brown dentition. “No I don’t take such things,……….. They cause mouth odor!” he said, waving my offer away with  an ugly grin. And then he  kept on talking .
 I was in trouble. He talked about the Government, Abortion and some how stuck on the benefits of premarital sex. I silently prayed for this man to fall asleep, the plane to crash, a mild seizure……. anything  to get him to shutup.
But Mr Potbelly just went on and on and on, sending out one stink wave after the other like an effective sewage system. An eternity passed.


Thankfully we got to Abuja(after I had lost all sensation on the skin around the side of my face). “…..and that’s why I don’t believe in using a condom……….!” Mr Potbelly was saying. (How he got to this topic, Jehovah only knows) I couldn’t get out of there fast enough . Moral of the story? Dental hygiene is essential .Please brush properly.Or have some mints handy. (A pack of Orbits is just 200 naira) If you can’t, and you are a “GISTER”,then seriously pray that the person sitting next to you(on a bus plane or in church) has very bad catarrh.

Life is a choice my friend
Choose wisely. Enough said

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