HOW TO GET MARRIED!!!!!..by some guy on the radio with a heavy Ijaw accent!!!

HERE'S THE SCENARIO......

I was driving through Aba road in Port Harcourt a few days back. It was a fairly cool evening. I decided to turn on the radio. To be honest, I wasn't expecting much. But I was  bored and there was a little bit of traffic on the road.

What a shock! I thought to myself when the radio came on.
No Music!!
No Drake, Lil Wayne ...or at  the very least  Whiz Kid Song greeted me from the speakers.
Mtcheeew!!

I was about to click off the Radio when I had a slight rethink.
What the hell? I thought.
I decided to give the programme a chance. It soundly vaguely interesting.

It was one of those "How to get married'' programmes.

Some raspy-voiced guy with a severe Ijaw accent was on air.
I didn't catch his name but, apparently he was some sort of Pastor/Marriage Counsellor.
 I decided to listen. If nothing, his bad English would give me something to blog about.

WAHALA CHRONICLES.night robbery

Here's the scenario,


So there We were, standing outside my house, gisting away.
Now I can't recall what time of the year it was. Whether it was closer to December or  June. But I do recall that the night was  chilly and slightly windy. The images,smells and sounds of a bustling "club-street" were all around us.
Car horns BLARING, angry drivers yelling at each other, scantily clad Prostitutes ,Scantily clad  girls(that could pass for prostitutes),

whiffs of cigarette smoke in the air, Mobile Suya and Shawama Sellers. The occasional "couple" going by and of course who could forget the general "club-goers"
The NIGHT CLUB nearby (which in my opinion at the time, was a just a large dancing restaurant that played a lot of loud rock music) was the cause of all the mayhem. .

It was actually no more than three gates from where we stood on that  LOUD Friday night.

UNREPENTANT MISTRESS PT2.Amaka's monologue

"When will these married women learn?They simply can't compete and they shouldn't even try.I am young athletic,beautiful and sexy as hell.
I am a dark force of nature, every married woman's worst nightmare.

HOW TO MEK MONEY PT 2.wit Celestine Egochoppins

Ello bebs

Is me Celestine Egochoppins De Ego n'naghi agwu agwu  Alias
 Agu ji Ego   of Nnewi Local Government Area.I haff moni! Bcos of my moni peoples allarond  are singing music wit my name. O yes. My moni cannot finishes.

HOW NOT TO KISS!!

I know this might sound silly,but is kissing a lost art??

Has anyone ever had a ‘dental collision’? Okay,I made it up.Sue me!
According to THE OPUS CONCISE ENGLISH DICTIONARY 1st edition, A Dental Collision is an

unpleasant collision that occurs during a kissing session".

Usually, this is what happens
Guy and Girl are kissing, the scene’s really intense, limbs and hands all over the place,there's enough heat in the room to power a small gas plant(or at least start a small fire),sex seems imminent...then.......it happens.

Their incisors (front teeth) collide in........ "mid-kiss"
 "OUCH!"
There goes another lost moment. A lot of Times these collisions(when they are mild)are usually ignored by the horny couple.
But other times.........,they're not.Especially when they REALLY HURT!!

Guy and Girl terminate kiss IMMEDIATELY! And then stare at each other with question marks in their eyes
"Was it my fault?" They seem to ask each other. Typically,Guy and Girl have three options available at this point;

a) Laugh over it and recommence smooching,

b) Secretly check if all their 32’s are in place,(which is advisable)

Or

C) Make a mental note to google "kissing for dummies/idiots & ignoramuses."

That's what happens when you kiss a "Collider"

Here’s a tip for identifying a "Collider" .
During a kiss, their teeth are always in the way. Enough said.

Aside from ‘colliders’, there are ‘drippers,piranhas and numb tongues’
The Dripper. ‘One who goeth to and fro the earth with a small lake of saliva in his/her mouth seeking an unfortunate face to drown"

HEALTH IS WEALTH O!!!

Here's the scenario

Its funny how people drink too much, eat too much of the wrong stuff, worry too much ( in the name of "hustling" or...."relationships")and they freak out when they have  a terminal disease like high blood pressure or cancer (I can just see people mentally  snapping fingers over their heads in the famous "Godforbid" gesture).

BEWARE OF HITLER!!!

Years ago,I went to a Client's house to go over some legal documents.
It was my first time there and I had trouble finding the place (I mean how can there be more than one Number 45. on the same street?)
Anyway,the Client was an elderly woman.

I found the house eventually (after getting like ten different descriptions to the place)

WAHALA CHRONICLES;airport drama

Here's the scenario,

I woke up at about 5am that morning .My flight from Lagos to Port Harcourt was scheduled for 7:20am.

I knew there was a chance of meeting some form of inhumane traffic on lekki expressway.
I was coming from lekki1 by the way.

HOW TO MAKE MONEY.with Celestine EgoChoppings

Ello ladies,

I wanna show you how-ra Mek money.

My nems are Celestine Egochoppins of Nnewi local Government Area.I am 40 yers of edgge and I haff money.

Peepul dat knows me from my Pless calls me Ego n'anaghi agwu agwu .
Dey carry my money wit Tipper,not "Gada-must-go".

HOW TO NOT GET MARRIED!!!

JOHN
(sighs)
My dear three Million is too expensive
For a wedding reception hall

JANE
(rolls her eyes)
There you go again!
Always thinking small.I'm I marrying a weakling?

A BAD relationship,is A BAD relationship (don't sugar coat it)

"He beats me,he cheats on me(occasionally with my sister), he  is very stingy, he doesn't appreciate or respect me(except at the end of the month when I give him money)but I'm  believing God that he will change, because I love him!"

SHOULD WE GET MARRIED??We're both AS(GENO-TYPE)!!

My cousin BELEMA..or "Belems"( please don't call her that,she hates it) is getting married in about a month.Her fiance's name is Tony.

Anyway, Belema and Tony recently found out that the're both AS(GENO TYPE).

Now, I know what you're thinking (Opus Don come again oh! How can they want to get married and not know their GENO TYPES?I mean..Who does that right??)

kid-beggars on our streets!!!!

"Kid-beggars" are the most infuriating aspect of  being stuck in traffic.
Once traffic starts, they're  everywhere,like an endless horde of  "Jarra-men" from an old Kunfu movie.

Kid-beggars come in two categories;  "Cleaners, and Clingers".
"Cleaners" are fearless haggard-looking  boys armed with  filthy rags and  spray-cans filled with what looks like "brown water" mixed with soap.

should couples have access to each other's phones????

A friend of mine recently  had an insane fight



with his wife over an sms  he’d recieved from a female colleague. Heres what happened.
About a couple of days earlier, he’d bought a really nice fountain pen for this colleague of his on her birthday.Understandably, the lady sent him an sms expressing her gratitude. Harmless enough right? Well, his wife sure didnt think so.

SMALL PE#!S??...REALLY??

Hi guys!me again!I love these little chats we have now and then.....they're  so nice.anyway due to technical issues,my blog has moved to a new platform(blogger).The New address is www.opustjkwrites@blogspot.com.

Anyway, thanks for the emails pings and Facebook messages I honestly had no idea so many people read my stuff.

BAD BREATH

Here’s the scenario I boarded a flight to abuja from Port harcourt.  I  somehow made it to my seat after navigating my way  through the sea of small bags, protruding stomachs,a pissed off pregnant lady and the opened armpits of people placing stuff in the over head compartments. I hate flying by the way, call it acrophobia,aviophobia, or simply Village-Man-Syndrome .Planes terrify me.Some how, the notion of  being inside a large metallic object thousands of feet above the ground isn’t very comforting.

Smiling could save your life

Did you know that smiling lowers your stress levels and blood pressure? That’s amazing!
When you smile,your brain secretes these chemicals called Endorphins.In the simplest “Endorphins for Dummies” terms, Endorphins are chemical secretions your brain secretes when you are  happy.Enough said.

HIT ME BABY

I remember a conversation I had with  a girl on a blind date a few years back.
I hate blind dates by the way.
As a rule, a blind date is kinda like ordering an unfamiliar dish  from the menu.All you have to go on, is the waiter’s recommendation and a name.You have no idea what the food is going to taste like or even look like until it arrives

ROMANRIC PROPOSAL #2

NEWS FLASH!! MRS HAWTCHICK AND MR BEER GUTS have called off their engagement

(for readers that don’t know, Mr Beerguts and Mrs Hawtchick are characters from my article titled “ROMANRIC PROPOSAL". This is a follow up of that article)
Details are a bit sketchy but what we know is this;

THE PHONE CALL

This is a portion of a real telephone  conversation that took place between a guy and a girl.

GUY*-So what happened in your last relationship  ?

GIRL* -It just wasn’t working out jor!

GUY*- Hmm. Did he cheat on you or….?

GIRL*-Cheat on me ke? The stupid man wanted me to choose between him and my girlfriend.

"ROMANRIC" PROPOSAL!!!!

Here's the scenerio, I'm out with a friend on a Saturday afternoon. Its
an old friend from school. We met up at this bar in Port Harcourt to catch up over a few drinks.

So there we were, just chilling .It was a bit of a slow day with very few people around.
Few minutes into the hangout,a young couple walk in.

WAHALA CHRONICLES

I got to the bus stop at Adekunle at about 7:30am one Tuesday morning. The crowd of people told me that I was in for a bit of wrestling before I was going to get a bus. That is, if I was going to get a bus.

“Obalende, Obalende!”screamed a haggard looking bus conductor as he dangled from the side of a moving ancient looking bus. I darted towards the bus.

CAUGHT IN THE ACT

What would you do if your partner cheated on you?
Here’s the scenario.

Its a hot  Tuesday afternoon. You left the office early because of  an unsually painful migraine.

On the way back home, there’s mad traffic.You’re terribly hungry and  the car’s air conditioner stops working.

WHY YOU SHOULDNT FART IN A CROWDED ELEVATOR!!!!

Here's the scenario.
Its a hot afternoon,you're wearing a suit and you're  stuck inside a  hot crowded elevator.

The air in the small space is barely breathable with the stenchy combination of mouth odors and damp undeodorised armpits.

christmas poem

the bells on sleighs are ringing
kids Christmas tunes are singing
parents gifts of love are bringing
yea tis a season to be jolly
lovers kiss under the holly
if u get a cat name her molly

tis d season

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Mayowa

Bayo dashed down the stairs in excitement nearly falling aunty Ireti down in his haste. "sorry aunty" he said racing towards the kitchen. Ireti stared at his departing back and shook her head, wondering what the excitement was about. "mummy i got in! i got in!" he screamed embracing his mother in a tight hug from behind.