HOW TO MESS UP YOUR BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING!!!!!

"Do you ADA......." the Reverend was saying as the Bride and Groom stared lovingly into each other's eyes.I had to admit, they looked good together.
George(the groom) looked quite dashing in his black suit.Ada's mermaid wedding dress was sexy as hell.Both of them seemed to be glowing with "the radiance of love"...if you want to call it that.
The church was packed full.The were so many  celebrities and 'high-rollers' scattered about the church.And I think the guy seated next to me was a celebrity or something.People kept  on coming up to him and going;
"I'm your biggest fan....I love your show....bla bla bla" It was a little annoying especially since the ceremony itself had begun.

And on top of that, Mr Celebrity  kept on staring down my bust-line as if 'my boobs' were an exciting new fashion trend he'd just discovered.
I threw a casual glance in his direction.Dude was sooo not my type.Besides I think he had bad breath.....either that or he farted each time  he opened his mouth.

WHY I KILLED MY WIFE!!!

POLICE REPORT COMPILED BY  INVESTIGATING POLICE OFFICER : INSPECTOR  GODWIN AMANZE

PRELIMINARY INVESTIGATION OF CRIME SCENE AT;
NO 12  Osaigbon Close Benin

MONDAY 23RD, FEBRUARY 2015

2:23PM

The Residence is a One Bedroom Flat.

Living Room  and Kitchen are intact 
.........Save for  the Blood stains by the Kitchen sink



Door to the Master's bedroom is severely damaged.Wooden splinters litter the floor.It appears to have been  SAVAGELY SMASHED inwards, possibly from numerous blows from a LARGE  BLUNT INSTRUMENT
The nature of the weapon used in the attack is yet to be determined.But a safe assumption would be  something Metallic.......probably.

UNREPENTANT MISTRESS PT 6. ........Amaka is pregnant!!!!!

Amaka steps out of the Large office  Complex and strolls towards her GOLD Range Rover.She has a weird expression on her face .

Several men(and a few women) follow her with their eyes as she goes by.The slutty AMAKA moves with all the  'Ease' of the Grand Mistress she is.She seems  excited about something as she steps into the car.

For a few seconds she just sits there, allowing the Air conditioner's chill to fill the car.

LONG SILENCE.

Then she turns to us and says;

"I recently learnt that I am six weeks pregnant.Now I know what you're thinking;'How can the great  Mistress let that happen?'

What? You've never made a mistake before??? My dear, even the great gods of Olympus made mistakes.So a Grand Mistress such as myself is no exception to the rule.

The next question is obvious,....'Who's the Father?'

Well here's what happened.

One of my clients is CEO of a TELECOMS Giant In Nigeria.His name is Alfred, and he resides in Port Harcourt. This dude has pockets deeper than the ATLANTIC, he has cars and  houses in almost every major city in the world.

You know one of those TEE-SHIRTS with the funny inscriptions that goes; "MY MONEY' IS LIKE GRASS,IT GROWS EVERYWHERE?" Well that's what his money is like.

Guy bought me my first Range Rover just because he stood me up on our first date.
In this business, 'JUJU' comes with the job description.No self respecting Runs-chick comes into this business with 'empty-hand'.
It's like running a marathon in high-heels,....it just wont work.

WINI

 My name is Pastor Davies.
 I have been a Pastor for the past Two years.
I doubt a lot of people will believe the story I am about to tell.To be honest,I still have a hard time believing it myself.
God forgive me,I haven't told anyone this....save for the senior Pastor of my church.

The Memory of that day shall remain with me for the rest of my life.


I wasn't always a Pastor.One time in my life I was a regular guy who loved to party a lot and get drunk.
I indulged in the occasional fling(which at one time in my life became more than just "occasional")

On the 19th of October 2012, I was out as usual combing the streets for some action.
Like most Friday nights, I was already a little tipsy.I'd had about FOUR SHOTS of  Vodka and  smoked Half a Joint of Marijuana. So I was in THE ZONE.

The streets of VI were alive with FRIDAY-NIGHT ACTION.
My mission that night was simple;
Get some more alcohol in your system,........ and GET LAID....!
In that order.

Ruby unlike a Ruby

I picked up the pieces of the broken tumbler, trying to decipher why i didnt feel angry at Ruby. There are so many things going wrong in my life right now, and Ruby was at the bottom of the list. That to her, is unacceptable, and so she threw tantrums. This morning, she had come spoiling for a fight.

"Joshua  i am here for the money" she had said coming into my room.
"good morning to you too Ruby" i had replied looking up from the book i was reading. Said book is in shreds right now.
"i don't have time for your sarcasm this morning. today is Saturday. The last Saturday of the month, so please give me money for my hair". she had said striking a pose like she expected a fight. I stood up, went to my wardrobe and brought out my last three thousand naira, home and abroad.
"this is all the money i have in this house. here take two thousand let me hold one thousand" i said stretching the money to her.
looking at me with all the contempt she could muster she asked,"What i'm i supposed to do with two thousand? did i tell you i want to go to a  barber's shop?"
     
I stood up and walked towards her, hands outstretched. pulling her close,i stroked her hair, which still looked good to me by the way. "My love, you know how bad things have been for me since i lost my job. just manage this one for now".
 she pushed me away from her, and eyed me up and down.
"can  you see how you are insulting me? you know the least weavon i can buy is ten thousand naira and that to fix it on is three thousand naira, then you stare at me with two miserable thousand naira?"

WHY CAN'T WE DISCUSS MARRIAGE ON A FIRST DATE?????

I just want to get married. I'm tired of all these Nigerian "MAN-CHELORS" who don't want  to get married?
I mean, when will they grow up and start acting like Men? All they have are excuses(like I don't have enough already)

"I haven't made enough money.......We're still getting to know each other"blah blah blah!!
I'm sick of it!!
Imagine that foolish Abdul.Telling me we should get to know each other better.
Nonsense!

On our first date I asked him if he wanted to get married, the idiot stared at me in shock and said;
"Haba!! We've barely known each other for up to 72 hours"
Can you Imagine the rubbish???
How long are you supposed to know someone before you can marry them?

"Dem Dey know Person finish?" Why are Nigerian men such cowards?

A real man should be able to tell when he sees his wife.After all, isn't that how Uncle Abiye  got married? When he met Aunty  Chinyere he said he knew she was the one from day ONE.
He proposed to her almost a week later. That's a real man!!!!

THE "BIRTHDAY OUTING"

"He's staring at you"Ade whispered in her ear.
His words chilled her like minute icicles on her skin.

She knew what they meant.It was like the whisper of a phantom in her ear.In an instant she was panic stricken.She felt tremors down her spine as she turned to look.

The man who was staring at her was gorgeous to behold.
He was tall,lean muscled with the dark intense eyes of a seducer.He didn't just stare,he devoured her with his eyes.In his gaze was a demonic-hunger she knew meant only one thing.

She tore her eyes away from this Dark-angel and stared at Ade.
"Please,"she pleaded with him.But Ade's mind seemed already made up.

He grinned an evil grin as he took another drag from his cigarette.

"Please,....its my birthday"she said to her boyfriend as more people entered the bar.
She knew the Dark stranger was still staring at her. In fact,she'd known from when they'd entered the small bar in V.I.
Most Lagos-players would stare at a pretty Girl for briefly(or at least respectfully)especially when they knew you were standing with a guy who was CLEARLY. Your BOYFRIEND.

But not this Dark stranger.
Hell No!
He stared with enough audacity to make you uncomfortable.

She'd hoped he'd get bored and stop staring at some point.....he didn't.

And now she was in trouble BIG Trouble.
The kind of trouble she didn't need on her birthday.