HOW TO GET MARRIED!!!!!..by some guy on the radio with a heavy Ijaw accent!!!

HERE'S THE SCENARIO......

I was driving through Aba road in Port Harcourt a few days back. It was a fairly cool evening. I decided to turn on the radio. To be honest, I wasn't expecting much. But I was  bored and there was a little bit of traffic on the road.

What a shock! I thought to myself when the radio came on.
No Music!!
No Drake, Lil Wayne ...or at  the very least  Whiz Kid Song greeted me from the speakers.
Mtcheeew!!

I was about to click off the Radio when I had a slight rethink.
What the hell? I thought.
I decided to give the programme a chance. It soundly vaguely interesting.

It was one of those "How to get married'' programmes.

Some raspy-voiced guy with a severe Ijaw accent was on air.
I didn't catch his name but, apparently he was some sort of Pastor/Marriage Counsellor.
 I decided to listen. If nothing, his bad English would give me something to blog about.

WAHALA CHRONICLES.night robbery

Here's the scenario,


So there We were, standing outside my house, gisting away.
Now I can't recall what time of the year it was. Whether it was closer to December or  June. But I do recall that the night was  chilly and slightly windy. The images,smells and sounds of a bustling "club-street" were all around us.
Car horns BLARING, angry drivers yelling at each other, scantily clad Prostitutes ,Scantily clad  girls(that could pass for prostitutes),

whiffs of cigarette smoke in the air, Mobile Suya and Shawama Sellers. The occasional "couple" going by and of course who could forget the general "club-goers"
The NIGHT CLUB nearby (which in my opinion at the time, was a just a large dancing restaurant that played a lot of loud rock music) was the cause of all the mayhem. .

It was actually no more than three gates from where we stood on that  LOUD Friday night.

UNREPENTANT MISTRESS PT2.Amaka's monologue

"When will these married women learn?They simply can't compete and they shouldn't even try.I am young athletic,beautiful and sexy as hell.
I am a dark force of nature, every married woman's worst nightmare.

HOW TO MEK MONEY PT 2.wit Celestine Egochoppins

Ello bebs

Is me Celestine Egochoppins De Ego n'naghi agwu agwu  Alias
 Agu ji Ego   of Nnewi Local Government Area.I haff moni! Bcos of my moni peoples allarond  are singing music wit my name. O yes. My moni cannot finishes.

HOW NOT TO KISS!!

I know this might sound silly,but is kissing a lost art??

Has anyone ever had a ‘dental collision’? Okay,I made it up.Sue me!
According to THE OPUS CONCISE ENGLISH DICTIONARY 1st edition, A Dental Collision is an

unpleasant collision that occurs during a kissing session".

Usually, this is what happens
Guy and Girl are kissing, the scene’s really intense, limbs and hands all over the place,there's enough heat in the room to power a small gas plant(or at least start a small fire),sex seems imminent...then.......it happens.

Their incisors (front teeth) collide in........ "mid-kiss"
 "OUCH!"
There goes another lost moment. A lot of Times these collisions(when they are mild)are usually ignored by the horny couple.
But other times.........,they're not.Especially when they REALLY HURT!!

Guy and Girl terminate kiss IMMEDIATELY! And then stare at each other with question marks in their eyes
"Was it my fault?" They seem to ask each other. Typically,Guy and Girl have three options available at this point;

a) Laugh over it and recommence smooching,

b) Secretly check if all their 32’s are in place,(which is advisable)

Or

C) Make a mental note to google "kissing for dummies/idiots & ignoramuses."

That's what happens when you kiss a "Collider"

Here’s a tip for identifying a "Collider" .
During a kiss, their teeth are always in the way. Enough said.

Aside from ‘colliders’, there are ‘drippers,piranhas and numb tongues’
The Dripper. ‘One who goeth to and fro the earth with a small lake of saliva in his/her mouth seeking an unfortunate face to drown"

HEALTH IS WEALTH O!!!

Here's the scenario

Its funny how people drink too much, eat too much of the wrong stuff, worry too much ( in the name of "hustling" or...."relationships")and they freak out when they have  a terminal disease like high blood pressure or cancer (I can just see people mentally  snapping fingers over their heads in the famous "Godforbid" gesture).

BEWARE OF HITLER!!!

Years ago,I went to a Client's house to go over some legal documents.
It was my first time there and I had trouble finding the place (I mean how can there be more than one Number 45. on the same street?)
Anyway,the Client was an elderly woman.

I found the house eventually (after getting like ten different descriptions to the place)